cardigansandcurls

Yay for CDP Exchange! I’m mostly excited to ‘meet’ some new internet people. I recently started staying home and my friend circle was already sort of small, so I’m hoping this will help me branch out a bit. This will be a multi-part series, more than likely, as I’m hastily preparing to travel to Wisconsin to visit my ailing grandfather. Seeing as I’m 22 weeks pregnant, and my co-passengers are my 2 1/2 year old, my overbearing mother, and stubborn brother, a 10 hour car ride is a bit anxiety-inducing at this point. I’m trying to do all the things in the 34 hours I have until departure.

What was your favorite food when you were a child? Probably baked potatoes or pickles. I was VERY picky as a kid (my mom was too, so she never made/bought anything she didn’t like), so I really didn’t have much variety. The pickles thing is funny, though. My best friend in elementary school loved pickles as well, so during sleepovers we would dip pickles in ketchup as a snack.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod? Probably any song by Damien Rice or the Weepies. I went through a really bad break-up that DR helped me get through, and then a handful of years later was in that embarrassing emo stage where one minute I would want a happy song, and the next a sad, and the Weepies fit the bill perfectly. Our wedding favor was a mix CD, and we actually included a Weepies song on there.

What is one of your favorite quotes? “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.”
-Dickens, Great Expectations      I spent MANY years of my life being told by many people that I was too sensitive or that I had thin skin. Both true things. However, I’m finally at the point in my life that I’ve accepted who I am, and really value how my emotions shape me. I spent a few years trying to not cry or be as emotional, and I was basically pretending to be someone other than myself.

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity? Indoor: Reading, hands down. That and sleeping, I suppose. Outdoor: I used to be a fairly avid runner, but that dried up a year or so ago trying to juggle twenty-million things. I now really enjoy gardening, though I’m really crappy at keeping things alive.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Cleaning the toilets, emptying the silverware out of the dishwasher, and constantly having to hound my family members to pick their clutter up off the damn floors! (I found a 18 hour old bath towel in my stepdaughter’s closet on the floor, stinking up the joint, and I’m always moving my husband’s razor back to the bathroom from the oddest places)

What is your favorite form of exercise? Running. I ran cross-country in HS and since then, it’s always the most effective way that I can push myself, get healthier, or burn stress. I find I somewhat enjoy some Jillian videos, but I can’t take too much repetition.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? I’m a fall person all the way. I HATE summer humidity, and there are so many things about fall that just make me so cheery. The cool weather, the drinks (cider!), tailgating season, chunky sweaters are all part of my happy place. Month? Probably May. My husband is an accountant, so we spend the months before in a complete whirlwind. May seems a slow-motion month, and I am better at remembering to really enjoy how important time is for all the good things in life.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation? Biking. This is only because I live in a suburban area, so imagining a bike as an actual mode of transportation is slightly horrifying.

What is your favorite body part? My hair and my eyes. I’m a natural loose-curled brunette, and I seem to live in the land of ‘straight blondes are where it’s at’ so I like that it is a visual reminder to people that I’m different. I have very deep brown eyes, which isn’t especially common either, it seems. From the time I was a young kiddo, I get so many compliments on how gorgeous my eyes are (thank heavens, I hope it draws them away from the acne I think I’ll never rid myself of)

What sound do you love? I love the sound of waves lapping and waves hitting the shore. I’m a Pisces, and LOVE the water. I also find the sound of the El trains in Chicago quite comforting. I went to school in the north suburbs before I failed out/got super depressed, and visited the city quite often. The clanking on the tracks, the hustle and bustle of people…it all reminds me of being a small speck in a giant world. I would always get so giddy standing on the platform as the train would approach, and the gust of wind would flurry my hair and made me feel so alive.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do? I’d pay off all our debts, and give my little brother some money. Then, I’d go back to finish school and get my degree. I finally have intellectual pursuits I feel passionate about, and I want to show my kids that finishing something you believe in is vital character development, and I also want to enrich and contribute to my community in better ways. Then I’d do all the silly adult things, such as money for college for the kids, investments, retirement planning (I’m a worry wart and grew up with fiscally unsound parents, so I’m trying to break that cycle). At that point, I’d think about a new house on some land, so we had room to run and play, and so I could have some bad-ass chickens to hang out and produce eggs for me. My lottery splurge? Either a vacation property in Hawaii or Colorado.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be? Animal: Penguin. I don’t know the reasoning of how it came to be, but forever now I’ve been pretty convinced they are the most phenomenal animal alive. Drink: Hmmm…so many choices! Maybe a spiked, warm, apple cider? Ice Cream: When not pregnant, I’m a chocolate addict. Think Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter, but with more choclatey chunks thrown in. Currently, however, strawberry cheesecake is where it’s at. The strawberries offset the sometimes too-rich quality of cheesecake. DQ Strawberry Cheesequake? Friend, I’m there, just as long as they throw in some more crust pieces.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be? Maybe not the best answer, but I’d want to be able to not only know what someone else was thinking, but why. I try really hard not to wear judgy pants, but when my brain seems to work SO differently than everyone else, I wish I could peek inside their brain and understand their process. I like to be able to understand everything, so man would this help me worry about so many less things (at least, hypothetically it would. Realistically, I know I would probably end up even more confused).

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose? Two of my favorite books ever are Little Women, and The Giver. I always identified with Jo growing up, because I’ve always been a voracious reader. Asher, on the other hand, is burdened with so much but has such insight into how things could be different. I don’t profess to have his wisdom (nor will I ever) but it always reminds me to think critically about lots of different situations, and that sometimes dissent can be a wonderful thing (as well as differences, but that’s obvious).

I’m currently sitting outside Poppy’s bedroom door, at 9:30pm, listening to her sing. A continuous stream of jabber pours forth, alternating between ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘ABC.’ I’m so frustrated she’s not going to sleep — she’s even started some clapping — but it’s hysterical! She just started rotating in names for lyrics, so she definitely feels some creative tweaking is necessary. Obviously, having a toddler is pretty kick ass.

During story time earlier, she started laughing, and got the hiccups. She took a sharp breath in, and said ‘ooh! Hipups.’ HIPUPS! They shall now forever more be known as hipups. I know it’s biased, but I swear I birthed the most hysterical baby in the history of earth.

-On a less stellar note, I would like to confirm for all the internets that full bowls of cereal do indeed fly end over end. I was enjoying a late night snack (sadly, pregnancy makes 9:15 late), and somehow the bowl flew up out of my hands, went end over end, and purged my entire portion of Wheat Chex all over the carpet, wall, and vintage dresser. I ran into the bathroom to grab a towel I hopes of a quick cleanup, and of course the towel bar came crashing down upon the toilet. Peanut toddler gallery added an ‘oh no’ from down the hall. I’ve got the majority cleaned, but I’ll have to wait to vacuum until tomorrow (dear Poppy, GO to SLEEP!), but I’ve sprayed the crap out of the carpet in hopes of avoiding a rancid milk smell come morning. That would be one hell of a way to wake up, especially while pregnant and nauseous.

Great. She just let one rip, laughed, and declared ‘toot!’ The words bum, bums, and yoohoo (I don’t even know where she gets some of these terms) have now made it into the lyrics list.

Toddlers are awesome.

Well, at least not up to this point, that is. Which admittedly, is 4 whole days, yet still feels entirely different/strange/foreign.

I’ve tracked my EDD to January 19th, so at a whopping 4.5 weeks along, there is still a whole honkin’ lot of pregnancy left to compare. I so desperately wish I had chronicled Poppy’s pregnancy somewhere, but it somehow didn’t materialize. For that reason, as I attempt to write about 2.0′s (hopeful) journey into this world, I will probably try to reminisce and compare. YES I AM COMPARING MY CHILDREN AGAINST EACH OTHER. Welcome to the world, my spawn! This will be the first of many times that you are subjected to the fact that the world isn’t fair and my favorite child may change on a day-to-day-basis (based on the child who can bring me a cup of coffee the quickest).

In all seriousness, I am glad that I’m getting a chance to hopefully grow another eventual person into a functioning, responsible, compassionate human being. I think of all my friends, family, and the awesome people I know in general and cannot help but think that someone did a kick-ass job of parenting that person (in most cases. I am very aware there are some awesome people who turned out despite less that stellar parenting). No matter gender, family make-up, etc. that person’s parent made a difference in how their children contribute as adults in the present day. I can’t wait to see how my current globule of cells turns out!

I will say that I’ve been more nauseous already that I was the entire pregnancy with Poppy. I’ve felt under the weather the past week and a half, and we all thought it was just congestion stuff trying to take over my body, or the post-tax season zombie state that always seems to descend upon our house. NOT SO! I now get to blame it on 2.0. I’ve been able to do pretty well as long as I am making sure I don’t eat mindless carbs, and that I don’t go too long without food. During my first pregnancy,  I can think of about six days total where my stomach was a bit queasy. Never any light-headedness, which after almost passing out during a volunteer teaching session, I hope it’s something I can avoid this time around as well.

The exhaustion is here, too. However, as my second pregnancy, and currently on the good side of managing my depression/anxiety, I’m making a big effort to take really good care of myself and monitoring my sleep. My mood is in such a sweet spot (thank you psychology and antidepressants!) that I know preventative maintenance is key to staying in the zone, and it’s also critical for 2.0 to grow. That being said, I’m still currently employed 40 hours, have a husband, step-daughter, and Poppy, church meetings, laundry, etc. so not everything currently gets as much attention as it previously got. My dear husband, mostly. I’m usually beat by 8:45 and crawling into bed, which is the time we usually get to spend time just the two of us. Hopefully this will change in the future, and once I quit work, then I aim to nap more (HURRAH!) and have more time for him and family when it’s the evening. 

With Poppy, I KNEW I was pregnant, but didn’t get a positive home pregnancy test until I was 11 days late. 2.5 days late with 2.0 and BAM, two lines almost instantly. I craved seriously spicy & hot foods from the beginning with Poppy (before the positive test) and dude, Hot & Spicy Cheez-its were like manna from heaven. It’s still too early to call with 2.0 (to be named later, of course) but I did have a desire to put “rooster sauce” on my mac and cheese last night. We were out, so I’ll have to pick up some more. I’m not going to hypothesize at this time though, because 4 weeks. I could become un-pregnant tomorrow.

I am starting out this go ’round a bit heavier (20 pounds *cough cough*) so it will be interesting to see how weight gain differs, as well as how much/fast I show. I never got rid of my pooch from last time, and with a few extra doughnuts and bowls of pasta hanging around my middle, I already sort of look like I did when I was three months along the last time (younger me, your body was phenomenal! Why did you give yourself such a hard time?!?!). We did start eating healthier a week or so ago, and while I do not want to lose weight/diet, I do want to take care of my body with healthy foods in reasonable portions (first goal-stop eating off the kids’ plates!). Of course, I do look forward to the chance to indulge on late-night cravings, because come on, what pregnant woman can resist the call of the border (Mexican pizza, my love!).

Most of all, I hope for a healthy pregnancy, excitement from our friends and family, and a healthy baby…if these things do not come, I hope for the patience, intellect, and compassion to try to understand the cards I’ve been dealt and how to gracefully stand in the face of sorrow.

This weekend, though, I’m looking forward to checking out way too many pregnancy books from the library, and staring longingly at my husband’s margaritas.

TGIF!

I had a mini breakdown in the car yesterday. The grey waves of rage and helplessness were crashing against the shores of my brain, slowly flooding reason and happiness. Luckily, I know this is temporary, though while trying to stay afloat it feels as if I’ll drown at any moment.

You never know what it may be that keeps you afloat. Music, a quote, a random act of kindness, or maybe even the emergency diaper stashed in the car. When the waves come, the tears follow. There’s no rhyme or reason to why, they just do. On my way back to work from lunch, they fell hard and fast. No tissues or napkins in sight. The extra diaper, usually tucked in the seat pocket, was on the passenger seat. I couldn’t go back to work with tear-stained cheeks (customer service is a brutal machine to be present for when emotions are high), and so I grabbed the nearest buoy. I needed something to absorb my tears; my feelings of woe and desperation. I needed release. No one imagines when they have children that having diapers at the ready will end up being a non-child related benefit. For me, yesterday, it was. I shed my tears, dried my face, and went on with my day.

I realized in that moment, that we all grasp for buoys at some point. We all turn to someone or something, asking for help absorbing our struggles. Our feelings, our burdens, our failings. I am so very lucky that almost every time I turn, I’m surrounded by absorbency. Though they number few, I have a handful of friends that I hold near and dear to my heart. Whether joys or sorrows, they listen and hand-hold until I can sail off on my own once again.

My husband, many times, is my life-preserver. He’s patient, listens well, and soothes my irrational thoughts and worries. He is a rock to my changing tide. Always there, no matter how close or far I am from him. I can only imagine what it must like being married to someone who suffers from mental illness. I know what it’s like inside my head, but at least I understand the entire process — it’s my brain, after all. He merely watches from the outside, waiting for the good to change to bad, and then back to good. He is my safe harbor from so many bad days and ingrained neuroses I’m attempting to break (granted, some days he is the cause of distress or sadness, but we are two married individuals, so discord is not uncommon, I suppose).

My children (I will always refer to my SD as a child of mine; she brings me the same joys, sorrows, and challenges of parenting as does my biological child) do not absorb, but keep the waves at bay. Poppy has taken to morning snuggles with me before we start our day. It’s as if she’s recharging my weary soul with her snuggles, helping me power through the day. Their laughs, and hugs, and all the little things that make them unique make me so insanely happy. That happiness fights strongly against the grey days and sorrow, and though the dark times come, I am not alone in the fight.

I only hope that on my good days, the special people in my life know that I will absorb for them. I WANT to carry their sorrows, lift up their joys, and stand strongly by them until their storm passes. I want to be a beacon of strength for the community that surrounds me.

Ever since I can remember, books have been my love. I can remember many a summer afternoon spent in the public library, the smell of aged books permeating my brain, enticing my to add just one more book to my stack. I’d go through thousands of pages in a summer, learning new words, exploring new lands, and making new friends.

As an adult, I’m hard pressed to leave a book store without fostering a book or three home to nestle among my current collection. I recently made out like a bandit at my church’s annual book sale (Catching Fire in hardback for $1!  I LOVED the first book in the series, and cannot wait to get started) and have a nice new stack of material to devour.

Imagine my delight when one of the blogs I follow linked to a publisher (Chroniclebooks.com) doing a book giveaway. I was even more excited when I found out it was the publisher responsible for the Ivy and Bean books, which are well-loved at our house. The best part is, if I win, a charity of my choice will win $500 worth of books, as well one of the lucky commenters on this post (crickets chirping…). Though i’m only about two weeks and just a few posts into this blogging thing, I can’t help but be tempted by the thought of $500 worth of books finding their way to my house. So, here’s my list:

Nana Cracks the Case: The big kid has really taken to mysteries and humor-this looks like it promises both.

Tour America: There is always a need for more poetry, and we are HUGE fans of Stephen Johnson’s work around our house. Somehow his contributions to this book slipped through my radar, so we may have to add this to our collection even if I don’t win.

When Louis Armstrong Taught Me Scat: Husband and I are both music lovers (band nerds, represent!) so this looks like a fun addition.

Julius! I Love Color

Julius! Dress Up! Lacing Cards

Numbers: We love lift the flap books

Fed Up With Lunch: I have STRONG feelings about the food we put into our bodies as a collective society, and school lunch is a crock.  I’ve heard this is an excellent read.

Milk and Cookies

Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey: I drool just looking at the cover.

Cook It in a Cup!

Big Vegan

Fast, Fresh, & Green

Quick and Easy Mexican

DIY Delicious

Secrets of Simplicity: I’m become much more centered on why I buy what I do, but I’m always looking for more ways to get rid of clutter.

The Bible: Genesis, Exodus, and Song of Solomon

Chuck Dugan is AWOL

The Punch

Swimming with Strangers

Between the Bridge and the River

Small Town Odds

And My Shoes Keep Walking Back to You

Stencil 201

The Wishing Box

Holiday Crafting and Baking with Kids

What books would you choose?  What’s your favorite charity? I’d choose ClassWish.org to benefit if I won, as I have a soft spot for kiddos and learning.

I’m deep in the throes of planning and shopping for my Thanksgiving meal. We’re hosting my mom and her boyfriend, so just a small group, but I cannot help but obsess over finding the exact right recipe for each component.

I’m making mashed potatoes from scratch, and they will contain copious amounts of butter and milk. I don’t really have a recipe for these, but the usually turn out well enough. Next year I may step up my game with some fancy dancy concotion I scout out one of my time-wasting sprees on Pinterest.

Cranberry Sauce-I’ll do a can with ridges, because it’s what I knew growing up. I’m also going to try a new from scratch recipe (Stephanie at AYOSC always comes through for me!) to help streamline how much I have going on at once.

Stuffing-I adapted a recipe from a local TV cooking show that is very tasty. As a carb addict, I always enjoy new, delicious ways to eat my feelings. It’s a sausage and mushroom concoction, and I use at least two different types of bread. It looks pretty and tastes yummy-two birds with one stone! I’m a regular ol’ Alton Brown, let me tell you.

Turkey-I may or may not be freaking out (oh who am I kidding, someone hand me some anxiety meds) about finding the right recipe that is both delicious and easy. This is on top of the thumb twiddling over the fact I have not even PURCHASED my turkey, and DEAR LORD I hope there is enough time for that sucker to thaw safely by Thursday. One would think I’d start with the main dish and work from there, but no, not me!

I managed to feel ok putting Mom in control of some type of green bean side dish, rolls, and dessert. It’s not that I don’t trust her, I always just feel so self-conscious that people think I’m not doing my part. How 12 pounds of turkey and three sides isn’t a part, I don’t know, but the way I think about things is a whole other box of worms.

OH. And wine. There shall be lots of wine.

Sickness and a broken dryer does not a good combination make. Blergh.